Mental Laziness
Wow, I had such a great week with the Lord. Even in the midst of deadlines and stresses, I found myself experiencing more than just a peace—experiencing “remaining in His love.” It really turns otherwise anxious, stress-filled days into great days. I had a day that otherwise would have tanked me, but it turned out wonderful. Then I find when I’m “off” (like this weekend), I get lazy and so quickly disconnect and forget everything! I then easily slip into a funk—feeling bored, or discontent, or anxious and missing moments with my family and friends.
I was reading some of the writings of Lawrence, this 17th Century guy who was a soldier in the French army and then a hospital cook most of his life. But he was known most for his character and the way he “practiced the presence of Christ.” Lawrence writes, “Do you know the highest kind of life we can experience? There is no other life in all the world as sweet and as delightful as the life lived in a continual walk with God. Even as I write such a statement I realize that the only ones who can comprehend it are those who have practiced and experienced that unbroken walk with the Lord.”
This is exactly the challenge of it! Unless you really go all out in willingness, not holding anything back, and do so long enough to “taste and see” how good life can get living in God’s will and ways, you’ll just lazily relapse into what you’ve already known and done. And even when I have tasted something so much better, it’s still really easy to get mentally lazy and slip back into days, weeks or even months, if I let myself, of doing life alone.
It really does take a direct mental effort, but it also makes life and decision-making and everything else incredibly “doable.” Because all you “have to do” is this One Thing—stay connected and willing, and then you can be sure that you are doing the very best you can to live out the life God created you to live. There’s nothing else you need fret or stress or worry about. And the experience of many thousands is that “all these other things we worried about really do take care of themselves as we seek first His kingdom will and ways.” (Matthew 6:33)
So even though I woke up feeling lazy, lousy, and disconnected, I’ve decided not to roll with that attitude. Instead I’m gonna catch my mental laziness and even talk that over with the Lord, and seek to keep this mental conversation with the Lord going all day—increasing my willingness to respond as I go. We’ll see how it goes.
I hear what you are saying here and have even tasted some of the sweetness you describe when connecting to God, but I constantly struggle with this feeling of not connecting enough or not doing enough. I know this feeling of failure and inadequacy is not what God intends, but my old sinful nature constantly retakes control, and for some reason I still let that feeling overrun the connected feeling. If our true purpose is connectedness to God, why is it so hard to accomplish that true purpose? Intellectually I think I know the answer (original sin, free will, etc) but I struggle in my heart to understand why God would allow our true purpose to be so easily overridden by things so much less important and in many instances so destructive to myself, my relationship to God and my relationship to other.
I feel like Romans 7:15 is my life’s verse. The strange thing is that I can see so many opportunities to let God work in my life and work in the lives of others through me (I even have a ministry that my father and I have worked on and tried to grow - http://www.bethere.net - and I sense God constantly giving me ideas and directions for that ministry and other areas of my life), but I don’t ever fully step out in faith and go with God’s leading in a “wide open” way as you describe. I WANT TO SO BADLY! I listened to the song “Empty Me” by Chris Sligh today and I truly long to be empty of my self and filled with God, but my fear, guilt, responsibilities, and the tyranny of the moment always seem to take priority. I pray for God’s courage and strength and try to move forward, but I feel like I never truly let go and let God. I watch people like you and and so many others at Gateway and I talk to God daily and now hourly with the Soul Revolution experiment about what is holding me back and I just cannot seem to find the answer. It is almost as if I have this bittersweet feeling that I am slowly growing in my relationship with God, but it is not enough, and I don’t seem to know how to pick up the pace.
I feel sort of pathetic, but I know that this is not how God wants me to feel. I want to be in a wide open relationship with God, but for so long now (years) I just can’t seem to figure out how. How do I break free and truly connect with God.
Comment by bsiebken — November 17, 2008 @ 8:33 pm
Hey bsiebken, I understand your frustration - it’s hard to look at yourself and see where you stand and then look at someone who is more mature in their faith and see where they stand. It’s hard not to compare yourself as the world compares, but if we live by that model in our relationship with God, we will just end up defeating ourselves. God doesn’t change us completely overnight - He works on one thing at a time, just like a baby doesn’t learn to walk, talk, ride a bike, cook and bake, pay taxes, and do chemistry problems overnight.
I think there is a passage in CS Lewis’s book Mere Christianity on how God builds us up like a house - first he has to tear down the old house, rip out all the plumbing, and basically demolish the old condemned house, and only then can He begin to build the new one stone by stone. Spiritual growth is a process, it’s not instantaneous. Don’t beat yourself up because you are growing slowly - rejoice that you are GROWING, and keep going - don’t give up! You say you have felt some of the sweetness from connecting with God - think of what your life was like before you began truly connecting. Did you feel that sweetness? Did you even concern yourself with following God in a wide open relationship? I know I didn’t - I was dulled spiritually. I am growing very slowly too - I fall back into temptations and bad habits all the time, and sometimes I get so frustrated that I feel like I’ve regressed back to where I was when I started, but God hasn’t given up on me and He hasn’t given up on you either. Don’t worry about YOU having to pick up the pace - just follow God’s leading as it comes. And try not to compare yourself to others - we are all at a different place in our walks with God, just as people are at different stages of life - imagine if a baby looked at her mother and thought “she can do so much more than I can, I feel guilty!” That would just keep her from growing because she would just be comparing herself and not enjoying the journey.
Another thing - sometimes it’s a lot more difficult for us to see the progress we are making in our own lives than to see progress that others are making. Paul went from describing himself as the “least among the apostles” to “the greatest of sinners” as he matured in his faith! Maybe God intends it that way - if we thought that we had “arrived” and were already following God wide-open and had a great relationship with Him, then maybe we would become prideful and more prone to stop and then regress because we would think we had no further to grow.
Comment by Lauren — November 18, 2008 @ 10:05 am