Back and Forth
I know for many people, doing the 60-60 can be both exhilarating and frustrating all at the same time. The reality is that the exercise of seeking constant mental connection to God’s Spirit and maintaining a willing spirit is strenuous—it does not come naturally because we’ve been trained most of our lives to live independent from God (even if we’ve been professing believers the whole time). This is why we need training. But reality is a back and forth struggle sometimes. Let me tell you about my Monday.
After a full day of work, my wife called to see if we could do something fun since the kids were off for Columbus Day. We decided to go out to the lake to eat and watch the sunset. I was feeling tired from Sunday, and the beeps throughout my day became more background noise than reminders. At 5pm I left work and stopped by a mechanic friend’s house to get him to check out my wife’s car—the engine light came on the day before. It took longer than expected because he said it could be the clutch, but he said driving it should be no problem.
I met them at the lake at 6pm, and as we ate Chinese food from our picnic table, looking over the beauty of Lake Travis, I noticed I wasn’t really present. Everything was wonderful, my wife and two kids and their two friends were all laughing and enjoying each other, we were surrounded by a beautiful sunset on one side and a full moon rising on the other—but I was not there! My watch beeped, and I realized I was missing the moment—hydroplaning over it in my mind. Kathy left the drinks in the car, so I volunteered to get them and made an effort to walk slowly and thank God for the beauty and my family. When I came back, my experience of the moment shifted and I began to enjoy it.
As we were driving back, I drove Kathy’s car (fortunately) because the clutch went out at the top of a steep incline—I coasted into a parking lot. Kathy followed me into the parking lot, and we spent about an hour on the phone with towing services and mechanics as the kids all found a way to enjoy the detour. I however, was getting frustrated and irritated more and more. This was not how I wanted the night to end, sitting alone in a parking lot waiting for a tow truck, knowing a huge auto bill was about to slap us in the face. Kathy said, “Let’s go to Walgreens and get candy!” My first thought was sour, “No, this is supposed to be a miserable experience, don’t try to change it.” My watch didn’t beep, but I caught myself. “Lord, why am I not willing to try to make something fun out of this?” As I asked Him to change my attitude, I began to experience this frustrating situation with more patience. But it required a mental choice.
We finally got home around 9:30. My son had been waiting all day for me to help him with some recording software I bought him so we could have fun recording music together. As I was helping him and the software was not obeying my will, I noticed how easily I was expressing irritation toward my son. Even though several times that evening, God had rearranged my bad attitude and made something good out it, I defaulted back to irritable and impatient—for no real reason. After catching myself screwing up again, I opened my mind to the Lord: “Lord, what’s wrong with me? I bought this software so Justin and I could enjoy it together and I’m letting my irritation push him away from me. Help me.” As I submitted my will to God’s will, I sensed I needed to put my hand on Justin’s shoulder and just silently start thanking God for my son. As I did, my irritation calmed down. Though we didn’t get it fixed that night, we ended the night laying in his bed reading a novel we’ve been enjoying together, and I found myself filled with gratitude rather than filled with frustration and irritation.
That’s a typical day—back and forth—one minute connected and responsive, the next minute I default into old ways and find myself out of God’s will. That’s why I cling to the promise of 1 John 1:8-2:3:
8 If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. 9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we are calling God a liar and showing that his word has no place in our hearts. 1 My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous. 2 He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins—and not only our sins but the sins of all the world.
Thank God he is like a loving, patient parent (unlike me). He teaches us to walk. As toddlers, when we fall, he picks us up and helps us keep trying—two more steps and another fall—but soon we start to walk across the room. This is how confession works—when we fall down (go our way instead of his), we admit it and reach out for his hand to pick us up and help steady us to walk forward with him again.
Wow - in some ways it sounds a lot like my day yesterday. I stayed home from one of my classes to study for an upcoming test in another, figuring I’d just listen to the lecture I missed online since the professor posts the audio. Later I went to my late-night Anatomy & Physiology lab at 6, in an acceptably good mood, that is, until we began our sheep brain dissection. I quickly grew frustrated as my lab partners took the reins and went running with the whole lab but kind of skimmed through everything, and by the end of the lab I felt I knew less about the anatomy of the brain than when I had started. To make matters worse, the bus returning from campus was late, it was raining, and it was jammed full of students. On top of all this was the gnawing fear I have that Friday’s exam in A&P might not go that well (I pray I am wrong on that one!) My watch beeped at me, and I struggled to bring myself back to reality, tempted to remain bitter over frustration and inconvenience. Yes, “back-and-forth” is a perfect description of this 60-60!
Comment by laurenlovering — October 15, 2008 @ 12:21 pm
Well, first let me apologize for not telling you this sooner. We are already Thursday and I should have written this on Sunday evening or Monday morning at the latest. Please forgive me… Sunday during service you mentioned that you had been going through a dry or rough spell the last 6 months or so. Then you talked about how you received the letter from your friend in prison and God reminded you that you are making a difference in his life. Well, I have to tell you, there have been many times where you have said exactly what I needed to hear, without you even knowing. So over what may have seemed like a dry spot for you, has actually been a nurturing time for me…because of you… Just wanted to let you know.
Comment by michelle — October 16, 2008 @ 11:41 am
John, thank you for always keeping it real and being vulnerable with your church. I did not understand Grace before I came to Gateway. This 60/60 experience is really just waking me up. Even when I am not hearing the beeps, I am looking at my watch 45 minutes later - and saying to myself “why did I miss the beep?” and using that moment to connect. I hope the rest of your week is wonderful.
Comment by emerson — October 16, 2008 @ 8:19 pm
We have been coming to Gateway for about a year after attending a traditional denomination for about 10 years. We go back there from time to time because our daughter is in Confirmation class. One thing that strikes me as so authentic about Gateway and John is his willingness to be a real person - a real father, a real husband, a real leader and a real Christian. It’s hard to imagine leaders in our old church putting themselves out there for all to see in this way; that would shatter the illusion that some choose to maintain that their spiritual leaders have actual human feelings & weakness. Thank God for John and his life that’s full of highs and lows like the rest of us, and Thank God that He promises to be with us through all of those moments and help us grow along the journey.
Comment by notan — October 17, 2008 @ 7:48 am
This is why editing is a good idea - I meant to say in my earlier post that some believe their spiritual leaders should be above actual human feelings & weakness. I guess my motto on this blog should be “no perfect posts allowed!”
Comment by notan — October 17, 2008 @ 7:50 am
WOW-failure, forgiveness, patience, thankful - good tags!
I too feel like my life is lived out very rollercoasterish
and I often feel shame about that and beat myself up!
It’s the human situation I’ve discovered. Heaven will
be so sweet!
One day this past week I really had struggled with anger
about a situation with someone….I was hurt & offended
and the thoughts swirled around me a hundred miles an
hour as I rehearsed over and over a conversation - and
came up with tons of new scenarios where I could change
it and say what I really wanted to - it got pretty grim
in my head. BEEP. I actually told my beeper to shutup….
and then was horribly ashamed and apologized to God …..
from there he showed me a lot about myself and the way
I tend to run away from him when there are negatives I’m
trying to deal with - afraid to be real with him about
negative feelings………I do the opposite with him
when things are good……I took a bit of time to
slow my weird (anger induced) breathing - took some
deep breaths - and got quiet. I felt he was healing
things inside of me from childhood (again! he’s so
all about healing and restoration)….
Other beeps on the same day - one when with running
partners - Nothing but gratitude for these two women
who for some time now have been a constant support,
encouragement…always wanting to help me grow &
improve… BEEP in grocery store - gratitude….
Travelling home from store with full load of groceries
I drove by a closeby busstop - and saw someone that
Ralph & I had prayed for on a Sunday a while back….
BEEP - ok God what should I do - should I offer her
a ride (but I can’t I have frozen stuff in the car
& have to get to a doc. appt.)….so I turned around
and drove by the busstop - and saw her so serenely
sitting there with ipod on & eyes closed - what an
op to continue to pray for her whole life…..not just
what she’d asked for on Sunday morn. peace flooded me!
Then home - many ignored beeps……….
Another Beeping flop! Went off right when I was
enjoying an indulgence in something definitely not
on the Weight Watchers plan……..I felt irritated
by that beep - definitely was aware of the CHOICE
at the moment……..and did not listen. But felt later
when the next BEEP came that I was needing to deal
with the previous BEEP! Gently again - the way
God is - he showed me I sometimes try to “eat” my emotions…
and I was still struggling in some small ways with
those feelings from the previous anger situation…
more surrender and pleas for help! And a sense of
how much he loves me and forgives me and is right there.
I’m sensing the amazing wonder of God’s presence tho’
and cannot even begin to fathom that he’s not just
in the 60 min. beeps - but is present every nano-second
of every day - how much I must miss of his grandeur
thru nature around me, amazing people & circumstances
he’s already involved in and wants to pull me into….
and just so many details that are part of his plan.
I just want MORE! Sometimes the beeps make me cry
because of this wanting more.
Comment by bils46 — October 17, 2008 @ 9:38 am
Bils46, I LOVE your honesty about having told your beeper to “shut up!” That made me laugh out loud, seriously, because even if I have not said those words out loud, I know I have thought them subconsciously more than once! It’s good that you took the opportunity after that to let God speak to you and begin healing you, but I can imagine that God might have seen some humor in that, too, so I wouldn’t beat myself up too much about it!
God bless you!
Comment by Lauren — October 17, 2008 @ 11:46 am
John I really enjoyed your msg today. When you mentioned yo
u had a down time I was so impressed. I thought he is human, so many times I put above all of us on a higher plain, it’s just that I admire and rspect you so much. When you metioned the prison letter it reminded me how many times your words have touched my heart, and I thought how does he know that, then I did whatgever you said to do and it changed my life. Thank you for saying what I need to hear and letting me know when to really listen. This week when my beeper goes off and I am with somone I say God is calling and they look at me funny and I don’t care. When I saw you skate I thought Wow. I know your the greatest husband and father. Thank you for being my pastor. Keep up the good work.
Comment by soonergal — October 18, 2008 @ 2:58 pm